Signs The Wizarding World is Falling Apart
by BincaMontgomery
Summary: In this story the characters are OOC. Brainless Adults and Freak seventeen year olds! What would they do when Hogwarts falls aparat and Harry duels Voldermort. A Humor Story.


James Potter: I admired Lily Evans ever since our third year when we accidently bumped hands while working on some plant. I have three best friends named Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Peter Pettigrew, who mocked me whenever Lily walked by. Being Head Boy allowed me to prove to her that I had, indeed, matured and we ended up dating in our seventh year. I married Lily about a year after we graduated and now we have this beautiful baby boy named Harry. He should take after me when it comes to playing Chaser for the Gryffindor quidditch team. I have such a great life.

(Author JK Rowling storms into the room with a phone attached to her ear and notebooks under her right arm. She hangs up the phone and glares at James.)

Author JK Rowling: I'm sorry, James, but as a writer I can not allow you to have a perfect life. The story wouldn't sound right if Harry grew up knowing his parents. It's either you leave or I can not write a decent novel that people would adore.

James: (Raising an eyebrow) What does that mean?

(Author JK Rowling searches through her notebooks and begins to write in pencil.)

Author JK Rowling: I'm writing the scene where Voldermort breaks into your flat and murders you.

James: Son of a bludger.

Author JK Rowling: (Looking up at James for a slip second before returning to her writing.) Yes, James, I'm afraid it is.

(Author JK Rowling finishes the final touches of the conversation between Albus and Minerva. They instantly stop talking about James dying after James falls into a crumpled heap beside her. JK Rowling yawns before putting her pencil down.)

JK Rowling: I seem to lose more fictional characters that way. Of course, I am on the verge of killing off another character but I wonder who it should be. Anyway, since I am the oh-so-great JK Rowling, I think I will create a complicated plot in which Sirius goes to Azkaban and Remus believes that Peter is dead.

(Lily Potter storms into the room with her hands against her hips. She has her red hair lying flat behind her and her face is flushed with anger.)

Lily Potter: JK Rowling, I heard from a reliable source that you were about to kill somebody off. (Lily bends down with a shocked look playing across her features.) Is that my husband?

JK Rowling: Nothing gets passed you. (She taps her pencil for a few moments while grinning.) Lily, would you enjoy being with James again?

Lily: What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I want to be able to be with James again.

(Author JK Rowling begins to write in her notebook again with the grin never leaving her face. She lifts up her pencil for a moment.)

JK Rowling: Lily, would you do anything to protect your son?

Lily: (After gesturing that she would.) I would do what any mother would to protect their child.

(Author JK Rowling finishes writing and admires her work.)

JK Rowling: I was hoping that you would say that.

(Lily falls to a crumpled heap besides her but JK Rowling doesn't seem to mind.)

JK Rowling: Now to begin the Harry Potter story.

(Setting: A square house that is identical to every other house on Privet Drive; manicured lawns without a scrap of grass out of place and the same dull pain color that wouldn't even peel despite the heat. The only difference was that the people that lived inside of Number Four weren't exactly what strangers would call normal. They had secrets that made young Harry Potter's, who was a wizard, seem sane to passer-by.

Inside the flat were four different sized rooms with various paint jobs. The widest room with a bright blue paint color belonged to Mr. and Mrs. Dursley. Now Mr. Dursley. worked at a factory that made the lines on screwdrivers. Mrs. Dursley. made a note of spying through the small hole on the door after accidently getting her nose caught in the shades. She still had the bandages. The second room, which was painted black, belonged to Harry Potter's cousin named Dudley. Dudley was not like any other boy you would meet in this story except for Ron Weasley. Yes, Ron Weasley was one of the strangest people Harry had ever met. The third room was painted orange but that was only used for when Mr. Dursley. showed off the next design for screwdrivers. The final room belonged to Harry Potter and his walls were white. Harry was sitting on the edge of his bed with his fingers turning the pages of a book titled"So You Want To Ruin The Harry Potter Series For Yourself."

Harry Potter was seventeen years old with untidy black hair that fell above his green eyes. He had an angular face and wore glasses. Harry Potter also had grown a couple of inches over the holiday but it wasn't his appearance that made him different. He was also a wizard who was about to start his final year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.)

Harry Potter: Maybe I shouldn't turn the page? Should I continue to find out if I murder Voldermort or not?

(Harry Potter is cut off from turning the page by a cold laughter. Shivers ran down his spine as he slammed his book shut. He stepped outside his door and started walking towards the noise. Uncle Vernon was asleep in his room dreaming about his job.)

Vernon:... cross screwdrivers... flat screwdrivers...

Petunia:... Must find out what number five is up to...

(Harry continued on his way until he reached his cousin's door. He pressed his ear against the wood. Yes, there was laughter coming from the room. He pushed open the door.

Dudley Dursley stared at a wall, trying to see something past the abnormal colors. There were candles littered here and there with soft rock music playing. Dudley was a chubby boy with blonde hair that stuck to his forehead. He wanted to dye it black.)

Harry: Dudley, does your mother know what you are doing?

Dudley: (Startled) Do you mind being quiet. I'm trying to chat with a fire creature. Do you really want to see that?

Harry: (Suddenly has flashback of a seven year old Dudley beating an old lady up for commenting on his abnormal behavior.) No, I just heard you laughing besides it's almost morning. We have to leave in a couple of hours for Kings Cross Station.

Dudley: Maybe I'll chat with the fire creature after you leave?

Harry: That would be a better idea.

(Harry stepped out of the room with a disgusted look. He closed the door behind him.)

(Setting: A kitchen reflecting the Dursley personality. Black walls surrounded the family with pictures of screaming people and metal chains hanging on the walls. The lights were dimmed as low as they could go and candle flames jumped and swayed on their wax stands. Soft depressing music played through the speakers that lined the shelves. Dudley was seen reading a book titled: So You Want To Chat With Fire Creatures. Vernon started playing with a screwdriver under a microscope. Petunia pressed herself against a door, careful so as not to bang her nose again. Harry brought his plate of pancakes over to the table, sat down, and began to eat.)

Vernon: Did you hear somebody walking around last night, Petunia? Whoever it was ruined my dream.

Petunia: (muffled slightly from being pressed against the door.) Didn't hear anybody over your muttering about indented lines.

Vernon: Those indented lines are going to make us a lot of money in the screwdriver business.

Dudley: (closing his book with a soft slam. His voice is full of excitement.) The fire creature. Oh Joy! I finally managed to summon him for a chat. All the better to serve for my dark purposes.

Harry: (putting his fork down with a clink as it hits his plate.) No, Dudley, that wasn't the fire creature.

Dudley: (dissapointed.) Oh? How could you be sure?

Harry: I was walking around last night, remember, and I don't have a flaming aura.

(Harry began to start eating again while examining how stupid his family was. If only the author didn't kill off his parents to serve her purpose of having a popular novel.)

Vernon: (suddenly and for no reason jumps into the conversation.) I think it was Harry, Dudley.

Petunia: (Removes her face from the door. Part of her bandage is falling off of her nose and exposing a discolored bruise. Only Harry groans in disgust.) I think we should drop the boy off at Kings Cross.

Dudley: (whispering more to himself.) Then I could chat with the fire creature. If he ever wants to talk, I mean.

(Setting: Kings Cross Station; a muggle train station with a supposed secret entrance to Platform 9 3/4. Harry pushes his trolley towards the barrier with his uncle, aunt, and cousin trailing behind him. Draco Malfoy is seen talking on a Muggle pay phone.)

Draco: (flipping his hand around.) Yes, yes, I thought that ring was to faint for. Oh my gosh! He spent how much on it? Now, what did Bella say when he proposed. (Draco suddenly notices Harry's stare.) Look, babe, can I ask you a favor. No, it isn't anything too bad. Just need to talk to you about the new professor at Hogwarts. Crabbe thinks that it's going to be somebody you're related to. Of course, after your brother went and paraded his doll collection a few years ago. It isn't going to be him. Well, I better go.

(He hangs up the phone and waits for a figure to hide behind another object. Some bushy brown hair could be seen behind a trash bin.)

Draco: Hermione has to be the worst stalker I have ever seen.

(A random Slytherin seventh year girls walks over to Draco. She is so random that I'm not even going to describe her.)

Random Slytherin Girl: Gosh Draco. You are such a Pansey.

Draco: Damn it, Slytherin girl I don't know, I was acting so Granger could get her thrill.

Random Slytherin Girl: (As she walks away.) Sure thing, girlfriend.

(Harry casually leans into the barrier and almost falls through it. Unfortuantely he doesn't because JK Rowling didn't want to make him clumsy. Thank you for ruining my fun.)

Author JK Rowling: (making one of her famous cameo appearances in this fic.) Your welcome. (She walks away.)

(Harry decides to make to search for a compartment that is either conviently in the back or has one person sitting in it because everywhere else was full. He opens the compartment, which has only one other person, and sits down next to the Ravenclaw girl.)

Harry: (in a bored tone) Morning, Luna.

Luna: (still reading her upside down magazine) Hello, Harry.

(Ron Weasly enters the comaprtment. He still has his red hair. He is wearing a t-shirt with chains hanging from the bottom and jeans with a hole above each knee. He takes a seat opposite Harry)

Ron: Did you hear about the deatheaters attacking some wizarding homes? (he turns to Luna.) Luna, didn't yours get attacked?

Luna: (still reading her magazine.) Oh yeah, I get deatheaters attacking my flat all the time.

Harry: I don't think he appreciates the sarcasm.

Luna: (finally putting the magazine down.) No, really! My dad and I get deatheaters by our flat all the time! Last night, McNair was running around like a psyco with an axe.

Harry: Boy, you people are strange.

Ron: Well, some crazy deatheater was running around The Burrow last night and freaked Ginny out. I was trying to chase him as fast as I could in leather and chains but I still couldn't catch up to him.

Harry: Ron, you can't run.

Ron: (like the girl in Princess Diaries.) Shut Up!

(Harry and Ron suddenly notice Hermione standing there. She is wearing her Hogwarts robes already. She takes a seat

beside Ron.)

Hermione: Something strange happened at my flat too.

Harry: Really? What happened, Hermione?

Hermione: The same thing was on every channel.

Ron: Odd.

Hermione: I know. Damn PBS!

Harry: Did they want to collect money again?

Hermione: What do you think, moron?

Harry: (Trying to change the subject.) Did you stalk anybody, Hermione?

Hermione: Yes, I followed Draco Malfoy and heard the oddest conversation he had over the phone. I also found him reading a book called: Bridget Jone's Diary. Too bad he doesn't know that I used the Time-Turner to go one year into the future and buy the book for him.

Harry: Why was he reading that?

Hermione: I asked him and he said that he related to her suffering.

Ron: (Leaning over to poke Hermione.) Stop questioning people, Harry.

Hermione: (Facing Ron.) Poke me, Weasley, and I'll bite your fucking finger off.

Ron: I'd like to see you try it.

Hermione: Don't test me, Weasley. We shouldn't annoy each other. This could be Harry's last year as our friend in case he dies. Remember, he is supposed to duel You-Know-Who.

Ron: (Forgetting about poking Hermione.) Just say the damn name, Hermione.

Hermione: Shut up. I could say Voldermort anyway that I want to. You can't make me say his real name.

Harry: You just did, Hermione.

Hermione: Damn it!

Luna: (jumping into the conversation.) Are you going to die, Harry?

Harry: Do you want Voldermort to murder me?

Luna: Can I watch?

Harry: You know if Voldermort murders me then the whole wizarding world would be ruined.

(The remaining students turn silent for a few moments.)

Luna: (Breaking the silence.) Can I watch?

(Setting: Hogsmeade station in the middle of the night because it somehow takes all day to reach it from London. Harry Potter steps off of the train with his best friends at his side. He, along with Hermione, wore the traditional school robes but Ron decided to hook chains up to his. They head towards the carriages with Luna trailing behind.)

Harry: (After they all file into the carriage.) Would you stop telling people that I'm going to die, Luna?

Luna: (Faking being offended.) I only told a few students on the way here.

Hermione: About seventy.


End file.
